My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?