My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.