My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!