My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."