I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."