I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?