I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."