I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."