I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.