I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."