There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.