There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.