There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.