What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."