What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.