What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!