I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.