You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.