Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.