My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

To a newspaperman, a human being is an item with skin wrapped around it.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.