My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.

On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.