I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.

I have no talent when it comes to pianos or guitars or any of that, even karaoke. For karaoke, I have to be wasted to get up there and sing.

I'm never home. I miss birthdays. I miss holidays. I miss anniversaries. I miss special moments. I'm not always there for important times, because I'm out on the road trying to make people laugh. I give up my privacy. I give up the ability to walk somewhere and relax.

I like to tell old jokes on stage after about an hour, or an hour and a half. I'll bring those old ones back because the fans love them.

I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.

I bought a Hummer before I bought a house, and then I bought a house. Every year, everything doubled. The work was doubling. The money was doubling. The popularity was doubling.

I see a Latino comic as someone who can only perform for Latino audiences. I cross the board.