I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.

My material never comes out verbatim every time. I always tweak in a line, or tweak away a line, gain a couple tags or lose a couple tags. The timing is always off.

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

Stand-up is not just an American thing anymore. It's global. In some places, stand-up comedy is brand new. South Africa has only had a scene for 15 years.

Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.

Sometimes [high school speech team] was funny, other times it was just talking, but it gave me the confidence to speak in front of people after doing that for a whole year.

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.