I got on the high school speech team and everyday I would get up in front of the class and just start talking.

I don't wanna just be remembered for the funniest guy in my neighborhood.

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

People think if you have money, it'll fix the problems, but it creates different ones.

And I don't want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don't get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that's still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.

I like to tell old jokes on stage after about an hour, or an hour and a half. I'll bring those old ones back because the fans love them.

I've got foundation jokes, the ones that got me where I am, so everything I do just builds on top of that.