I'm not fat. I'm fluffy!

I bought a Hummer before I bought a house, and then I bought a house. Every year, everything doubled. The work was doubling. The money was doubling. The popularity was doubling.

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

Make sure you're doing impressions of people that are still relevant, and that everyone knows. Red Skelton impressions are a little outdated.

My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.

I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.

You gotta hang out with people who have big dreams and believe in that dream.