By the end of the semester [in the high school] I was the only one up in front of the class everyday. Actually I could have passed the class four times over because every time you got in front of the class you got extra credit.That was the only class I got an A in and it was the funniest report card because it read Speech - A but everything else was just D, D, D, D.

Make sure you're doing impressions of people that are still relevant, and that everyone knows. Red Skelton impressions are a little outdated.

I was not the popular kid in school.

Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS and Wal-Mart have all figured out the evolution of life and they grabbed all the products that are necessary for a life. And they stuck them in one aisle and they put them in order according to how you mess up... First thing you're going to see: condoms. Next to that: lubricant. Next to that: pregnancy test. Next to that: Pampers. Next to that: formula. And at the end of the aisle they sell beer.

I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

Now people are coming up to meet me at my shows and they're doing my bits! One guy earlier was at 7-11 and he comes up to me and goes "you want a falcon?".

I was a big fan of Rodney Dangerfield. He had this HBO Young Comedians Special and he'd always bring up new talent, and I loved that!