You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog.

Secret of life is to go through something harrowing that doesnt kill you...and to love one woman for the rest of your life.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.

A compassionate conservative is someone who electrocutes juveniles but lets them have a last 'make a wish'.

My generation was secretive, brooding, ambitious, show-offy, and this generation is congenial. Totally. I imagine them walking around with GPS chips that notify them when a friend is in the vicinity, and their GPSes guide them to each other in clipped electronic lady voices and they sit down side by side in a coffee shop and text-message each other while checking their e-mail and hopping and skipping around Facebook to see who has posted pictures of their weekend.

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.