Majestic doesn't appeal to us. We [Americans] like the Grand Canyon better with Clarence and Arlene parked in front of it, smiling.

We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.

... I never was one to get upset about a few scratches on a motor vehicle, it is meant to be used, not saved.

When you're in your 20s, your 30s, even, you have - at least, I had - vast ambitions, and you sit around mooning about these things, and you're depressed, because you haven't done them. And it takes you a long time to come to the realization that if you can't be John Updike, well, then, you can't.

For me, the monologue was the favorite thing I had done in radio. It was based on writing, but in the end it was radio, it was standing up and leaning forward into the dark and talking, letting words come out of you.

I usually don't work with other people; I do the whole show myself.

Bad things don't happen to writers; it's all material.