A person does feel sheepish picking on journalists, a class already so richly despised that if a planeload of them crashed in flames, most people would smile from pure reflex.

You learn this great lesson of life: it's not about me. It's just not. The matter of talent-which seemed so important to you when you were young-is not of great importance. We're simply a conduit. We take things out of the air into us and put them in the form of stories. That's pretty much it.

I think that you are only obliged to be a humorist from the age of 18 until you turn 30. Past the age of 30 I don't think there is any obligation to be clever at all.

He was admired for never being at a loss for words and never wasting any either.

America of the future will be all malls connected by interstates. All because your parents no longer can their own tomatoes.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Give up your good 'Christian' life and follow Jesus