The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You want to be the first to come up with the idea. You don't want to wait until you trip and fall off the stage.

Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

I love New York, and I'm drawn to a certain intensity of life, but I've just never felt like I want to escape from the Midwest. A writer lives a great deal in his own head, and so one intuitively finds places where your head is more clear. New York for me is one of those places.

If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

She gave him such a look... Man oh man, if looks could kill. That one might have totalled a city block.