When you're old you feast on your memories, and if you spend too much time on exercise, you may get old and not have many.

When you're a little kid, your heart is open and tender and a harsh word can go straight in and become part of your life.

Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.

The audience is invisible and that's good. Somewhere my voice is drifting through a swine barn and the sound of it seems to perk up the sows' appetite. Or a lady is listening on headphones as she jogs along a beach, running to my cadence. Or a dog sits in front of the radio, head cocked, and the sibilants excite him in some mysterious way. A dog's humorist, that's me.

I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome.