A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?

My ability to keep cool in a crisis is based entirely on not knowing all the facts.

Humor is not about problems with airline luggage handlers. It's about our lives in America and it's about the ends of our lives and it's about everything that happens after that and everything that happened before.

I was afraid you had deceased,' he said. 'Or gotten engrossed in a long book.

Dogs don't lie and why should I? Strangers come they growl and bark, they know their loved ones in the dark, Now let me, by night or day, Be just as full of truth as they.

It is more worthy in the eyes of God . . . if a writer makes three pages sharp and funny about the lives of geese than to make three hundred fat and flabby about God or the American people.