I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."