Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.

I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you're talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they're supposed to prevent, that's like the hackiest joke out there now. If you're still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.