The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

I've always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.