Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.