I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.

It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.