I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.