With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

I've always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.