When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

I've always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.

Without my family, I'd be something.