When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I'm at the top of my game.

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.