When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

Without my family, I'd be something.

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you're going? I don't even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard... Some people slow down at those things... I don't slow down. I speed up and set the high score.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.