When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.

I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.