What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I'm at the top of my game.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.