What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.