What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.

For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.

It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.