What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you're going? I don't even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard... Some people slow down at those things... I don't slow down. I speed up and set the high score.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.