What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it's like he's spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.