Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it's like he's spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.