Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you're talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they're supposed to prevent, that's like the hackiest joke out there now. If you're still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

Without my family, I'd be something.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.