Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.

Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.