Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.

There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you're talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they're supposed to prevent, that's like the hackiest joke out there now. If you're still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.

I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.