Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you're talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they're supposed to prevent, that's like the hackiest joke out there now. If you're still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.

Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.

Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!