Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.