If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.