If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.