If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.