There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.