Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.