Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I get a standing ovation just standing

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.