Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.