I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.