I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.