I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.