I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.