Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.