If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.