If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

How can I die? I'm booked.