I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

How can I die? I'm booked.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.