In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.