Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.