Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.