And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.