And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.