If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.