If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.