How can I die? I'm booked.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .