How can I die? I'm booked.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.