When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.