When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.