Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.