I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.