It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Life's but a day at most.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.