It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine; I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.