When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.