The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

How can I die? I'm booked.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.