Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.