This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.