The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.