The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.