The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.